Pet
Names
Pet names come in two varieties. First, are pet names
for your, well, pets. See cat names
and dog names for this kind. Second,
are pet names that are affectionate names that people call each
other. For instance, one partner in a marriage may call another
one snookums, honey bunny or baby cakes.
This must be stopped at all costs! Forget the fact that
pet names water down the language, which is hard enough
for a nation of immigrants to grasp in the first place.
Forget that many pet names involve made up words that are
an assault to the English language and linguists everywhere.
And, forget your own inclination and propensity to want
to propel and hurl a special pet name upon your loved one
at the most inopportune of times.
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Forget about all of this, my friend. What is important here is
that pet names connect us to pets. And, by just about everyone's
definition, we are better than pets. Man is sovereign over animals.
There, I've said it. It has been this way since the beginning of
time. And, since humans have dominion over animals, we should not
in any way use pet names for humans.
It is a disgrace, an outrage and a downright blasphemous use of
the language to disrespect one another in this manner. Oh, no, my
friend. Let's not delve into the evolutionary depths that propounding
pet names will propel us. Let us not, snuggly wuggly one another
and coochie coo to another adult as if he or she were a baby.
This is not acceptable on so many levels. What is acceptable, however,
is to show one other respect as adults. We need to get in the habit
of calling each other sir and ma'am or miss as the case may be,
and yes I mean even to your spouse, love monkey or domestic partner.
Now, since this is such a hot button issue that makes me, personally,
not underneath the collar, I have assembled two lists that outline
acceptable pet names and unacceptable pet names. I'm sure you'll
agree that the vast difference between the two lists show us that
we dare not delve into the degradation and alienation that comes
with using the pet names on the unacceptable list. So, look but
don't touch or use. This is for educational purposes only and should
not be uttered under penalty of law.
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Acceptable Pet Names
Doctor
Doctor of Philosophy
Ma'am
Master of Business Administration
Miss
Mister
Monk
Nun
Pastor
Priest
Professor
Sir
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Unacceptable Pet Names
Babe
Baby
Baby Cakes
Baby Doll
Big Daddy
Cheeky Monkey
Cuddle Bunny
Cutie Patootie
Cutie Pie
Darling
Dear
Dear Heart
Gorgeous
Handsome
Hon'
Honey
Honey Bunny
Honey Pot
Hot Lips
Hot Mama
Hot Stuff
Hottie
Hottie Biscotti
Huggalump
Huggy Bear
Hunk O' Burning Love
Kitten
Love
Love Monkey
Lovie Dovie Bear
Muffin
My Humps
My Love
Pooh Bear
Pookie
Precious
Princess
Puddin'
Pumpkin
Smookie
Snookums
Snuggles
Sparky
Stallion
Stud Muffin
Stud Monkey
Stud O'Licious
Sugar
Sugar Lips
Super Stud
Sweet Cheeks
Twinkle Toes
Zoo McGoo
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The meaning behind the unacceptable pet names are mostly squishy
lovey-dovey feelings of closeness and intimacy, which is the enemy
of purity of language. Now, an occasional blurt of a pet name, say
on a five year anniversary is marginally acceptable. But, make no
mistake that the meanings of these names can be stated without consecrating
these nouns upon the devil's playground. It is a slippery slope,
my friend, and you are wearing banana peel skis.
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